I am a mother of three. When I became that I did know that my childhood was not good, but I did not know about the depth of my trauma and the consequences it created in me. My children are very happy, but I also see how beliefs I was not aware of when they were little made an impact on them. But what they see today is a mother who is in touch with her trauma and the consequences and so I am living healing as an example. I am very far from perfect but my children know that I love them and that if there is something that weighs them down they can deal with it and get my help.
I believe today everybody carries trauma and I see so many mothers being not aware of it and doing things I cannot understand. So I am happy that I was able to open my eyes and do it differently. I can see the effects in my children. They are not perfect either, but they are authentic humans.
I once believed that I was able to raise children who would be both happy and questioning of the normalised abuse and exploitation that makes up daily life for so much of the world. I had been engaged in inner work, actively seeking something different to what I had been raised with, and I was lucky enough to marry a wonderful man who has grown in step with me and continues to love me fiercely without coddling my bullshit.
We have three children together. The eldest’s mental health is appalling and let me tell you, nothing, prepares a mother for witnessing her beloved child being caught by the world and no longer capable of of being soothed. The journey of young adulthood is hard for many of us, of course, and these are difficult times. But we all think our children, with the love and awareness we pour into them, the capacity for empathy, understanding, connection and respect with which they are imbued because that is how we treat them from their first breath, will be different. But our children aren’t our personal projects, and as they begin to operate in the world as much as in our homes, they are entangled in its complexities and challenges and are not the saviours of anyone, including perhaps of themselves. It’s a dangerous overreach to think that it will be different for them, somehow, because of the depth of the insight we ourselves have as parents. The maturity levels demanded of parents, the emotional non-attachment to the “results” of the parenting we do, is a spiritual practice like no other. It’s not for the faint of heart. Personally, I’m not sure that, if I had my time over, I would choose becoming a mother. Not because of my children, who are beautiful human beings. But because their beauty does not protect them from pain, and the witnessing of that is so incredibly difficult.
This is such a personal decision that each woman must answer for herself. I think you said you were 18? You have a lot more growing and learning to do and I have a feeling you will make the right decision for you. You are already asking questions that prove you are going to be very deliberate and loving as a mother - should you choose that path. 💕
if you ever choose to have biological children, i truly hope everything works out beautifully for you. you deserve that. but either way, when it comes to adoption, it’s important to remember that children who go through that system often carry deep wounds and heavy traumas. sadly, many of them end up with “parents” who are not fully prepared — or willing — to care for those invisible scars. sometimes, this journey can be overwhelming, but i have a feeling that, for you, it would come almost naturally. there are certain wounds that only those who’ve been wounded themselves are truly able to recognize. there are certain things that only people who’ve known pain can say to someone else who’s hurting — things that actually land, that actually heal. that kind of connection creates the most powerful, unspoken form of empathy. so, whatever path you choose, if you decide to become a mother, i have no doubt that you will find your way — and it will be the right way.
What an amazing comment. Thank you so much for this insightful perspective, and for advocating for children who are already here, rather than the mythical future child of our imagination/hope/desire/fear etc.
My husband didn't have a happy childhood, his parents never got along n i have seen my husband struggle with anger n trust issues. Luckily I had very good n loving parents and a delightful childhood so we have been able to raise strong happy kids as I am capable of immense patience n optimism.So one practical advice I would like to give u is find a man who had a good childhood n good parents n family. His support will be of immense help. Though I am sure you yourself also have it in you to be a good parent coz u already care. But emotions can be scary n uncontrollable. So a stable partner will help u navigate...
how enriching this is for me! the pull between the mother I want to be and the mother I'm scared to be seems to haunt me in more ways than one. this perfectly lays it all out and puts it into perspective, thank you.
This is a great read and at times brought tears. This is my life too. Now my son is 7 and my daughter is 2. I struggled to have them and never wanted nothing else. Still suffering from my childhood trauma and trying not to be part of the same cycles is a daily struggle. I hope you find whatever fulfills you on your journey and I’m sorry you’ve had to endure so much.
Wow. Youve done a lot of work! Good on you. I admire your courage. You would be an amazing mother, for sure. You're already living as if you are - you can see it, feel it believe it .. so it shall be. And your kids will love you to bits, as kids do :) Motherhood is my life's greatest blessing - it is everything you imagine, and so much more. Try to let go and trust that a Universal power has it all sorted (and it turns a deaf ear to doctor's cautions!). If you're meant to have babies, you will. If you're not meant to have biological babies, your healing energy will definitely attract children who need to be in your life, and you in their's. Let go and let love. You have so much joy to look forward to!
I am a mother of three. When I became that I did know that my childhood was not good, but I did not know about the depth of my trauma and the consequences it created in me. My children are very happy, but I also see how beliefs I was not aware of when they were little made an impact on them. But what they see today is a mother who is in touch with her trauma and the consequences and so I am living healing as an example. I am very far from perfect but my children know that I love them and that if there is something that weighs them down they can deal with it and get my help.
I believe today everybody carries trauma and I see so many mothers being not aware of it and doing things I cannot understand. So I am happy that I was able to open my eyes and do it differently. I can see the effects in my children. They are not perfect either, but they are authentic humans.
I once believed that I was able to raise children who would be both happy and questioning of the normalised abuse and exploitation that makes up daily life for so much of the world. I had been engaged in inner work, actively seeking something different to what I had been raised with, and I was lucky enough to marry a wonderful man who has grown in step with me and continues to love me fiercely without coddling my bullshit.
We have three children together. The eldest’s mental health is appalling and let me tell you, nothing, prepares a mother for witnessing her beloved child being caught by the world and no longer capable of of being soothed. The journey of young adulthood is hard for many of us, of course, and these are difficult times. But we all think our children, with the love and awareness we pour into them, the capacity for empathy, understanding, connection and respect with which they are imbued because that is how we treat them from their first breath, will be different. But our children aren’t our personal projects, and as they begin to operate in the world as much as in our homes, they are entangled in its complexities and challenges and are not the saviours of anyone, including perhaps of themselves. It’s a dangerous overreach to think that it will be different for them, somehow, because of the depth of the insight we ourselves have as parents. The maturity levels demanded of parents, the emotional non-attachment to the “results” of the parenting we do, is a spiritual practice like no other. It’s not for the faint of heart. Personally, I’m not sure that, if I had my time over, I would choose becoming a mother. Not because of my children, who are beautiful human beings. But because their beauty does not protect them from pain, and the witnessing of that is so incredibly difficult.
Thank you for sharing this ❤️
We are all here to bear pain. My children will too.. But as a mother I pray God doesn't "bring them to test, but delivers them from evil"
This is such a personal decision that each woman must answer for herself. I think you said you were 18? You have a lot more growing and learning to do and I have a feeling you will make the right decision for you. You are already asking questions that prove you are going to be very deliberate and loving as a mother - should you choose that path. 💕
Agree with her. Plz note. Ziah
if you ever choose to have biological children, i truly hope everything works out beautifully for you. you deserve that. but either way, when it comes to adoption, it’s important to remember that children who go through that system often carry deep wounds and heavy traumas. sadly, many of them end up with “parents” who are not fully prepared — or willing — to care for those invisible scars. sometimes, this journey can be overwhelming, but i have a feeling that, for you, it would come almost naturally. there are certain wounds that only those who’ve been wounded themselves are truly able to recognize. there are certain things that only people who’ve known pain can say to someone else who’s hurting — things that actually land, that actually heal. that kind of connection creates the most powerful, unspoken form of empathy. so, whatever path you choose, if you decide to become a mother, i have no doubt that you will find your way — and it will be the right way.
i really needed to hear this. thank you for ur kind words💕
What an amazing comment. Thank you so much for this insightful perspective, and for advocating for children who are already here, rather than the mythical future child of our imagination/hope/desire/fear etc.
My husband didn't have a happy childhood, his parents never got along n i have seen my husband struggle with anger n trust issues. Luckily I had very good n loving parents and a delightful childhood so we have been able to raise strong happy kids as I am capable of immense patience n optimism.So one practical advice I would like to give u is find a man who had a good childhood n good parents n family. His support will be of immense help. Though I am sure you yourself also have it in you to be a good parent coz u already care. But emotions can be scary n uncontrollable. So a stable partner will help u navigate...
What an incredible read. Thanks so much for sharing <3
how enriching this is for me! the pull between the mother I want to be and the mother I'm scared to be seems to haunt me in more ways than one. this perfectly lays it all out and puts it into perspective, thank you.
I mean .. bravo 🙏🏽 thank you 🤎
This is a great read and at times brought tears. This is my life too. Now my son is 7 and my daughter is 2. I struggled to have them and never wanted nothing else. Still suffering from my childhood trauma and trying not to be part of the same cycles is a daily struggle. I hope you find whatever fulfills you on your journey and I’m sorry you’ve had to endure so much.
This is something I’ve thought so much about as well. Thank you for voicing this 💕
Wow. Youve done a lot of work! Good on you. I admire your courage. You would be an amazing mother, for sure. You're already living as if you are - you can see it, feel it believe it .. so it shall be. And your kids will love you to bits, as kids do :) Motherhood is my life's greatest blessing - it is everything you imagine, and so much more. Try to let go and trust that a Universal power has it all sorted (and it turns a deaf ear to doctor's cautions!). If you're meant to have babies, you will. If you're not meant to have biological babies, your healing energy will definitely attract children who need to be in your life, and you in their's. Let go and let love. You have so much joy to look forward to!